Diary of A Lonely Girl

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I remember it was raining. The sound of thunder frightened me because it was so loud that it made me envision the impossible in my own head. I had goosebumps everywhere, anything loud would do this to me. Those sounds freaked me out to the point where I couldn't move from where I was standing. The thunder eventually stopped as I expected, and now I could only hear the sound of a steady drizzle falling to the ground altogether. I was just sitting by the window while looking at these little drops that were covering the other side of my window. My head wasn't in the moment, I was visualizing the "what if" because I wasn't satisfied with what I had. "What if I never experience what it's like to have a boyfriend? What if no one loves me because I'm the ugly Betty with braces and glasses? Why do I hate myself so much that I don't even want to look at the reflection of my face?" These thoughts were crawling like a virus that was sucking my self-consciousness. The only thing that I kept in the back of my head was that I hate everything about myself. One time, my mother told me, "You're the most beautiful girl I have seen. Don't let people tell you otherwise, and remember that everyone is beautiful in her own way." I tried so hard to believe her and feel better afterwards, but no, the truth won't lie. I am not beautiful and I'll never be one of those pretty and sexy girls whom all the boys chase.

There were different types of girls in my school; pretty, smart, multi talented, popular, sexy, and losers who weren't in any of these categories. As you already guess, I was the loser. No friend, no talent, no beauty, and definitely not popular. I was one of those girls who ate at the girls' restroom because I was too embarrassed to eat alone at the cafeteria where all of these drama queens and kings were. And yes, I didn't go to parties because I hate loud, crowd, and the smell of alcohol. One day, a new student came up to me and asked me if she can sit next to me. "Yes," I said. She was pretty, sexy, smart, and she sings very well; she was the description of a perfect girl. "I'm Emily. Call me Ems. Nice meetin' you," she said while looking at me straight in the eyes. I adored her confidence and the way she brought herself to the world like nothing could get in her way. I still don't know how, but we became best friends. This was the turning point of my life, she changed my life, the way I think, my perspective, and everything that could have been changed. It was good, it was a good type of change.

"Seriously? You're gonna let that bitch walk all over you? You won't do anything? Gosh! That's not nice, that's dumb!" Emily was talking non stop about how I needed to step up for myself and stop letting people take advantage of me. "Okay, I'll tell her I won't do her homework." I replied with a little sigh at the end of the sentence. At that point, I realized that I was never good in saying no and disappointing people in any way. I've changed. A lot since Ems became my best best friend. She didn't only teach me how to speak for myself, she taught me confidence, courage, and fearlessness. It didn't just happen overnight; I needed practice and after a while, it became a habit that I carried with me even until now. I walk straight with my head up high, I look them in the eyes when I talk, I speak clearly with no hesitation, I say 'no' to things I don't want to do, and most importantly, I learned how to love myself. It took me years to be able to accept everything with an open heart, and for me, I needed someone who would never get tired of assuring me that I am worthy. I was telling Ems about my feelings one day, and she snapped when she heard me complaining, "How are these people going to love you if you don't even love yourself? Stop being such a little wimp! Go out there and see the world, don't just stay in one of those dark corners in your bedroom because that would not make you the person that you want to be. Pitying yourself will only bring you misery. You don't like being the ugly Betty? Then do something!" And again, She already knew it was necessary to be said.

(Disclaimer: This is just a story/fiction.)

LOVE,

Thoughts of The Day

 

"Chrisylla, what do you want to be when you grow up?" My teacher asked a 12 year old me. I hated it when I have to talk in front of the classroom and tell everyone what my dreams are. I froze for a moment because the question she threw at me was not expected at all. Of course, I didn't know what I wanted to be. I don't even know what I want to do until now. "A doctor," I said with no second thought. I explained how I want to save people's life and be useful for the society. Truthfully, I said doctor because I couldn't think of any other occupations right at that second, and doctor was the only word that came up to my brain when she asked me that annoying question out of the blue. There's no way in this world that I would want to be a doctor. I despise blood, hospital, needles, ghosts and most importantly, cutting people. I still don't know how real doctors do it, I used to think that they have some kind of angel or magic that help them save all these people from the death. Yeah, I adore them very much, but I don't want to do what they do because it is scary, and I'm not really good with talking, talking to the family of these patients and tell them that I will be responsible for these people's lives. It is scary.

My future is still a puzzle for me. I'm jealous of those people who can passionately tell me about their dreams, their future career, and what they want to achieve in life. I always find myself wondering, "how can I know? what's the trick?" because honestly, I am so desperate to find out. Do I really want to be an employee who works in a company or a bank to analyze the customers' financial condition? Is that why I'm taking International Trade and Economics? Is that the job that I have been waiting for since I was a kid? Is that something that I want to wake up to for the rest of my life? I admit, thinking about these stuff is pretty over-whelming. All I know is that I want to be successful, but what does successful mean? Having the money to buy yourself a $4.5 million Lamborghini Veneno and a luxurious and humongous mansion? Is that what happiness is all about, wealth and power? Sure, my life would be so much easier if I have the money that Bill Gates has right now, but will it make my life happier? Or perhaps successful means having a job that you have been wanting and you're good at what you do. Each and every one of us has different opinions in things, maybe some of you think that successful is when you can balance your work life and your personal life perfectly. You can never get a definite, exact answer when you ask people "what does successful mean to you?" Right?

“A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and gets to bed at night, and in between he does what he wants to do.”
―Bob Dylan

“...the best way to succeed is to discover what you love and then find a way to offer it to others in the form of service, working hard, and also allowing the energy of the universe to lead you.” 
―Oprah Winfrey

I don't want to live in regrets and other people's expectations of me. Even though everything is still grey in my eyes, I believe that I'll eventually figure out what makes me the happiest. And whatever it is, I'll catch it no matter what.

What does successful means to you? What makes you the happiest?

LOVE,

The Land of Hope

That day, I was just riding around with my boyfriend and his green motorcycle; he said that I gotta see this beautiful garden that's located not far away from where we live. At first, I was completely uninterested and apathetic until he worked his words of wisdom to make me see this place with my own eyes. 

The front gate of this "heaven-look-alike" is not very alluring. My head was speaking for itself, "I'm not in the mood for nature, and some bugs getting the satisfaction of slashing my skin while savoring the taste of my blood."

However, when I stepped my feet right onto this place, all those speculations were vanished with no trace. For a second, I wanted to feel free and enjoy every moment the best I could. Heck, I played a scenario in my head and wouldn't want to be waken up to face reality.

In my imagination, I can see bliss, freedom, happiness, and never ending laughter of the people who step foot on this land. There is no such thing as sorrow, poignancy, agony, and heartache because these people live by the words hope and love. We all love each other, care about each other, and would never see others as our competitors because jealousy is the root of rage, hatred, and resentment. We are brave, we are free, we are great in what we do, we are honest, and we do not cry. The only cry you'd ever hear in this world is when all the kids were playing around and suddenly fall off the ground.

This land is full of greens, different types of flowers, blue sky, and a huge lake with fishes and other beautiful creatures inside it. We aren't scared of nature because it is us. We don't seek wealth because we are happy with what we have. We do not kill others because they all are a part of us. We obey our own rules because we want peace, we need peace. We embrace and conserve our lands with our lives because this beautiful world is ours. That is why we should care.

Only if. Only if this kind of world does exist, no wars, no violence or brutality, no destructiveness. Is it possible to even wish because until now there are still wars and the crave of power and wealth? These endless thoughts brought me back to the world, Indonesian, American history that I had been studying for approximately nine years when I was in middle school and high school. Do you remember all those wars, deaths, and sufferings that each country had gone through to gain independence and powerful forces? Even though in this very moment, we might still feel that this world that we live in is full of monsters that suck the kindness out of human's heart, I wouldn't deny that we, in this generation, are fortunate enough not to experience those wars back in the 80's or the years before that.

I apologize if I sound like I'm rambling or perhaps I actually do, but I just want to set my mind free and write what flows into this small brain of mines. 

Do you have your own imagination of the Neverland? What do you think about this world that we live in? 

LOVE,

Why Me?

Eighteen years eleven months ago, an amazing woman brought me into this world. I assume, it was a very peculiar yet extraordinary moment for my parents since I am their first born. Have you ever gotten a really strange question in your own head like "why me?" or "why am I in this body and was born in this particular family?" Those questions consume my mind to the point where I crave answers and elucidations to fulfill my thirst of curiosity. This world is full of over-thinkers, and I'm not proud to say that I'm one of them. In fact, I am many things but simple, and if I have to describe my life in one word, I'd choose perplexing. 

Don't get me wrong, I am ecstatic to have a family that supports me in any circumstances. They lift me up and are dying to see success and happiness in the back of my hands. I can't thank them enough for what they have done for me since I was born. The question "why me?" slides through my world of delusion because this mind doesn't allow me to conceive my own way of thinking.

Are you an over-thinker? Have you ever thought of the same questions I have been asking myself? What are the feelings when you know that you can't find the definite answers to your questions?

LOVE,

A Cute Place to Blog

My boyfriend and I always go to a coffee shop to study or blog because we find it very boring and dull to study at the dorm. The other day, we decided to go to a coffee shop near his campus called Maan Cafe because he needed to study for his Physics test, and I wanted to write a new blogpost. Let me just tell you that this cafe is opened until 2 am, how amazing is that? Not only that, the decorations of this cafe amazed me especially with all of the antiques and unique lamps all around the room. I just love a different atmosphere that can give me a lot of inspirations. It's the perfect place to blog for hours and hours without feeling shallow. 

I also find the food very delicious, they have a variety of food and beverages. This place basically sells Western food such as burgers, fries, and other entrees. However, their specialties are the desserts (waffles, breads, ice creams, etc) and it was actually worth the price! If you look at the view of this place and the quality of the food, I would say the price range is pretty reasonable.

The other thing that I love about this cafe is we can refill the hot or cold water on our own. They have cute, little desks on the each corner of the restaurant, and on top of the desks, there are sugar, creams, cold water, hot water, straws, and everything else for the customers.

Can we take a moment and embrace these antique lamps that are just hanging there beautifully? I honestly can't get enough of them.

What's your favorite place to blog and be inspired? Tell me all about it!

LOVE,

Insecurity

Picture was from here

"The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else highlight reel." -Steve Furtick

The fridge was opened wide in front of me offering me a myriad of snacks to consume. I hesitated, debating on which one I should choose. No, I'm not talking about which food I should pick, but I'm talking about the feelings of being so bloated and dying to gain another kilo. In my own imagination, people were whispering to one another talking about how thin my legs are, how small I am compared to the other girls my age. "Is she anorexic? or maybe her parents don't feed her the right amount of food? Don't you think that you need to go to a doctor or nutritionist?" All those questions flew by my mind, and at one point I realized that I need to stop. Stop communicating with my insecurity, stop hallucinating a ton of conversations that will contaminate my confidence. However, those bad influences inside my own head just won't stop corrupting my ability to ignore. I kept pushing myself to eat even when I didn't want to. My parents probably thought that my appetite was increasing dramatically because of puberty. In reality, I pretended, disguised, and acted everything just to look like those girls whom the society called "beautiful."

Yes, I was one of those people who care too much about the society's idea of beauty or maybe I still am. That story isn't my one and only experience with insecurity, I have hundreds of them. I'm always jealous of those girls who can walk with their heads high up, not worrying about other people's opinions, and talk with secure, slow, but sure tone. Am I ashamed of who I am? No, I'm not. Whatever obstacles I had to deal with before has made me who I am today. However, I wouldn't say that I'm fully confident with everything right now because I'm not. I have imperfections and weakness, but I know that I'm not the only one who have flaws. Concealing them won't make me better than everyone else; it will just make me look fake and insecure about myself.

Some people have it worse than what I have gone through. The point of this post is that I want YOU to know that you're not alone in this world. We ALL have those flaws we want to cover so people would think that we're "normal" and "pretty". As hard as it may sound, don't live to fulfill other people's satisfactory needs. I feel you, sometimes we just can't help but think "my life would be better if I look like her or do what she does." You've gotten it all wrong, you can't just judge a book by its cover. Everyone, I mean all of us, has insecurities and flaws that some people don't notice. Others would kill to have what you have.

Think of it this way, whatever it is that you're going through, others have it worse than you. Be grateful and proud of who you are because everyone is beautiful in their own way :) I mean it!

Have you ever felt insecure before? What's your story?

LOVE,

Secrets of Blogging

Picture was from here and was edited by me

I just saw Maya Caballero's blog, Winterthorne, and came across a tag post about her Secrets of Blogging. After reading her answers, I was motivated to do this tag also. However, the tag was originally created by Shireen from Reflection of Sanity. Thank you for the inspirations, girls :)

1. When did you start blogging and why?

I started blogging around one and a half year ago, but I never really put my time into it until November 2013. At first, I started blogging because my friend, Marshia Dechaviony, was encouraging me to do so; she knows I love to write and take pictures, so she told me to create my own blog and write my thoughts there. I decided to make one just for fun, but after a while, it became a part of me. To be honest, I didn't even know how to manage a blog until I read other blogs to find advice on how to maintain one. From there, I realized that I need to put myself out there, stop being shy, and let others be inspired of what I have written. 

2. How many people in your real life know about your blog?

I really don't know the exact number, but I'm sure my cousins, boyfriend, and some of my friends know about it because I often tweet about my blog posts on my personal Twitter and Instagram.

3. What are your favorite posts to read?

Definitely tips and tricks blog posts. Advice about literally anything will entertain me because I think that this kind of post will help me to be a better individual.

4. List a blog you recently discovered?

I just discovered Jennie May's blog, Sailboat, earlier this morning. I adore her writing skill, I can tell that she put a lot of efforts into it. She notices every details, even the littlest things that she encounters. When I read some of her posts, I almost can see, hear, and imagine things that she does; it was fascinating.

5. What post are you most proud of?

My Love and Relationship blog post. It was rather personal because I wrote that post using my very own experience as an example. I wanted to inspire and tell other girls that they're not alone. We all experienced it before, the break ups, make ups, and heart breaks, but life goes on even when your heart is crushed into pieces. 

6. What advice would you give to future bloggers?

Blog because you love it, not because of the freebies or the money or being popular. If you blog for the wrong purpose, I can guarantee you that it won't last long. Keep trying and don't give up! Look for advice from other bloggers, accept critics, and stop focusing on the number of readers or followers you have because that's not the point of blogging.

I hope you all can get to know be better by reading this post :)
I tag all of you who read it and want to do it on your blog. Be sure to leave your link in the comment section so I can take a look at your post.

LOVE,

A Sudden Getaway #Part2

As you all know, I went to XiaMen (厦门) a couple of weeks ago with my boyfriend. While we were there, we decided to visit the university called XiaMen University (厦门大学). It was an extremely big university that has a couple of temples, a beach, and a lake inside.

The main gate of this university was so beautiful; there are different types of flowers, coconut trees, and a statue in the center of the entrance. 

I was amazed by the panorama of this campus. It was full of greens and beautiful landscapes. Not only that, there's a small lake inside the university with lots of trees and grass around it.

The temples inside are very oriental and traditional. Temple is a place for people to send prayers and also a great tourist destination. I didn't get a lot of pictures of the temples because I felt so impolite to take pictures while other people were praying.

 I was so surprised to find a big, long tunnel inside the university. The wall inside the tunnel was filled with wall arts, illusions, and also graffiti. It was definitely something unique and extraordinary!

We can also rent bicycles to bike around the beach. 

"To travel is to discover that everyone is wrong about other countries." -Aldous Huxley

LOVE, 

A Sudden Getaway #Part1

Visiting new places has always been a hobby of mine. My boyfriend and I went to a city called Xiamen (厦门）here in China. It was definitely an amazing experience for both of us. The picture on top is actually a picture of a street called ZhongShanLu (中山路) . The view of this street at night was very beautiful and cozy; There were also unique stores and restaurants along the street.

The next day, we went to an island called GuLangYu Island (鼓浪屿) which is located next to Xiamen (厦门) . We had to take a boat to get there, but it was definitely worth it. The island was very clean even though there were a lot of tourists walking around. 

That day, the sky was very cloudy; however, the weather was extremely hot. I decided to find a place to drink some fresh juice before continuing our journey. This cafe was located in the center of the island, and it was a very cute place to chill.

This isn't a very big island, but it is filled with beautiful trees, flowers, beaches, and interesting attractions. For those of you who love nature, I personally recommend this place.

Travel to new places, and you'll be surprised to see how beautiful the world really is.

LOVE,