Diary of A Lonely Girl

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I remember it was raining. The sound of thunder frightened me because it was so loud that it made me envision the impossible in my own head. I had goosebumps everywhere, anything loud would do this to me. Those sounds freaked me out to the point where I couldn't move from where I was standing. The thunder eventually stopped as I expected, and now I could only hear the sound of a steady drizzle falling to the ground altogether. I was just sitting by the window while looking at these little drops that were covering the other side of my window. My head wasn't in the moment, I was visualizing the "what if" because I wasn't satisfied with what I had. "What if I never experience what it's like to have a boyfriend? What if no one loves me because I'm the ugly Betty with braces and glasses? Why do I hate myself so much that I don't even want to look at the reflection of my face?" These thoughts were crawling like a virus that was sucking my self-consciousness. The only thing that I kept in the back of my head was that I hate everything about myself. One time, my mother told me, "You're the most beautiful girl I have seen. Don't let people tell you otherwise, and remember that everyone is beautiful in her own way." I tried so hard to believe her and feel better afterwards, but no, the truth won't lie. I am not beautiful and I'll never be one of those pretty and sexy girls whom all the boys chase.

There were different types of girls in my school; pretty, smart, multi talented, popular, sexy, and losers who weren't in any of these categories. As you already guess, I was the loser. No friend, no talent, no beauty, and definitely not popular. I was one of those girls who ate at the girls' restroom because I was too embarrassed to eat alone at the cafeteria where all of these drama queens and kings were. And yes, I didn't go to parties because I hate loud, crowd, and the smell of alcohol. One day, a new student came up to me and asked me if she can sit next to me. "Yes," I said. She was pretty, sexy, smart, and she sings very well; she was the description of a perfect girl. "I'm Emily. Call me Ems. Nice meetin' you," she said while looking at me straight in the eyes. I adored her confidence and the way she brought herself to the world like nothing could get in her way. I still don't know how, but we became best friends. This was the turning point of my life, she changed my life, the way I think, my perspective, and everything that could have been changed. It was good, it was a good type of change.

"Seriously? You're gonna let that bitch walk all over you? You won't do anything? Gosh! That's not nice, that's dumb!" Emily was talking non stop about how I needed to step up for myself and stop letting people take advantage of me. "Okay, I'll tell her I won't do her homework." I replied with a little sigh at the end of the sentence. At that point, I realized that I was never good in saying no and disappointing people in any way. I've changed. A lot since Ems became my best best friend. She didn't only teach me how to speak for myself, she taught me confidence, courage, and fearlessness. It didn't just happen overnight; I needed practice and after a while, it became a habit that I carried with me even until now. I walk straight with my head up high, I look them in the eyes when I talk, I speak clearly with no hesitation, I say 'no' to things I don't want to do, and most importantly, I learned how to love myself. It took me years to be able to accept everything with an open heart, and for me, I needed someone who would never get tired of assuring me that I am worthy. I was telling Ems about my feelings one day, and she snapped when she heard me complaining, "How are these people going to love you if you don't even love yourself? Stop being such a little wimp! Go out there and see the world, don't just stay in one of those dark corners in your bedroom because that would not make you the person that you want to be. Pitying yourself will only bring you misery. You don't like being the ugly Betty? Then do something!" And again, She already knew it was necessary to be said.

(Disclaimer: This is just a story/fiction.)

LOVE,